One cannot work in tourism, without a sense of humour.
Recently I shared a story from a guy who has been guiding in Croatia for the last 7 years, it made me reminisce over my days as a tour guide on the larger cruise ships (young tours). One thing that immediately came to mind was a) the number of questions you get asked per day and b) just how ridiculously hilarious (or mind blowing) some of the questions were.
So, I put a call out to a bunch of my friends who have worked as guides on cruise or sailing ships to ask them what are the best questions they have ever received and the answers had me in tears and a lot of – yip, that’s a goodie, had that! Someone asked me – “aren’t you worried about writing such an article since you work in tourism, what if you offend someone?” My answer was quite simply – “no, I am not worried.” You see, none of these are personal and there are a lot of reoccurring questions which I guarantee, most every guide has had.
Look, we are all guilty of asking stupid questions at one point or another, the funny thing is that with tourism, you are intimately in contact with hundreds of people in one season, so the questions feel amplified. I am a firm believer in – if we can’t laugh at ourselves, then what can we laugh at. Learning to not take ourselves so seriously, is one of the greatest tools for surviving this thing called life.
So, in aid of a little light medicine and a few giggles over the silly season, here is a compilation of some of the best questions guides have been asked on tour.
I have a theory, that when people go on holiday and have a guide, they leave their common sense at home and switch off their brain, because why would you need to think for yourself, when you have someone you can ask, for EVERYTHING? First of all, there are a few standards we get asked every week like:
How much money do I need in general/how much money will I spend tonight? (I don’t know honey, how many cocktails do you plan on knocking back?)
What should I wear? (guide/fashion consultant/mum)
Will I get drunk tonight? (ask me again once you’ve finished that 1L cocktail)
*steps off the boat and before turning head left and right, asks – where is a rubbish bin?
Then there are the questions which make it into the next category, which I like to call “wow (just wow)”, in brackets I have put the responses we wish you could say and in some cases, for those of us who have a decent amount of cheek, we do.
- What is that pile of rocks *literally points to a pile of rocks*?
- What will happen if I don’t pay my tab? (go ask that burly Captain over there)
- Is this a lake? *sailing on the Adriatic Sea
- Is that Italy over there *points to Vis
- Is that Africa over there (no words)
- What should I do on tour while you are sailing because I can’t be on a boat due to seasickness (you know what kind of tour you booked right?)
- So, does the crew sleep on the boat? (Nope, we swim ashore every night and sleep in a hotel…)
- I can’t swim, would you tell the captain to stay close to the coast but don’t tell my husband I asked this…
- While sailing: what is the sea temperature right… here? (22.837 degrees)
- What time is the 09:30 meeting? (Well, actually, not a silly question – in Dalmatia a 09:30 meeting probably means closer to 11 am)
- Can we sail from Dubrovik to Hvar in 2 days and maybe stop at Mljet and Korcula along the way (this question is hard to explain, but sailing direct from Split to Dubrovnik is almost 12 hours, so…)
- After a speech on being rational with toilet paper and not throwing anything else down the loos – how much toilet paper can I use before I block the boat? (concerned as to why this is a question, what do you plan on doing???)
- Are there icebergs? (Not now, thanks to the Titanic and global warming)
- How will I know the difference between brown bread and white bread? (Oh, sweetie…)
- I would like to go to dinner on Palmizana then return to my hotel in Dubrovnik, how far is the sail? (refer above)
- We want to be away from towns, just in nature – we find a nice quiet bay to anchor which is surrounded only by nature – why are there so many wasps and insects?... (yip, damn nature getting in the way of nature again)
- Can we bring our BBQ with us on the RIB speedboat? (ummmmm…)
- How are there cars on the island??
- What time do we swim with the dolphins? (hang on, let me check my dolphin schedule…)
- Sailing between two islands – what is the name of this RIVER? (you’re not even kidding are you?)
- What will the sea temperature be in May 2018? (if I had this kind of foresight and power, I would definitely use it for something other than knowing the sea temperature)
- What happens if the boat leaves and I am not on it? (well, let’s have a think, shall we?)
- Can we only anchor in the pretty turquoise water, I don’t like this blue water? (You mean the shallow… never mind, sure)
- We can’t swim, are afraid of deep water and don’t really like being at sea (so…. Booking a 7-day SAILING holiday was money well spent)
- Why don’t they take American dollars here? (I’m not sure, maybe have a word with Trump…)
These and oh so many more, are just a few of the ‘gems’ we get fired our way on a daily basis. To work in tourism you HAVE to have a brilliant sense of humour and we quite clearly get a kick out of it because you just wouldn't do it otherwise; also, people normally respond well to a little ‘tongue in cheek’ – either that or I am about to get in a lot of trouble for this article…
