The phone started ringing at the worst possible moment. I was trying to manoeuvre the steering wheel using one hand and reaching for my bag using the other, doing my best trying to avoid the red lights driving down Zagreb’s Green Wave.
- Hello? – I answered nervously.
- Hey, do you have a minute? – I heard my friend Anita’s voice on the other end. – I have to tell you something, just between the two of us (između mene i tebe)...- Anita said, lowering her voice.
Just between the two of us... is one of the phrases you’re most likely to hear in everyday Croatian conversations.
Croats love keeping things classified. And they love using clichés.
Here are some of them.
1) Just between the two of us (Između mene i tebe)
If you wander through the streets of Zagreb on a Monday or a Tuesday, you’ll notice classified conversations happening at almost every table. At every two or three metres, two women are leaning towards one another in a conspirative mode, talking about something.
Whether it’s a recipe, a family scandal or simply last week’s soap opera digest, if you ever happen to start talking casually to an acquaintance at a Croatian party, the acquaintance is bound to ask you to step to the side, grab your underarm and say:
Just between the two of us...
2) Talk to you later! (Čujemo se)
Talk to you later (Čujemo se)! We’ll talk soon! I’ll text you! Let’s meet for coffee! and all other possible variations of sentences containing the words ‘talk’, ‘meet’ and ‘coffee’ – are omnipresent.
-How nice! Croats are so sociable! – you think. The only problem is the fact that the arranged coffee date will never happen.
Every self-respecting Croat has an arranged Eternal Coffee date with at least two people in their lives.
Eternal Coffee date is characterised by the following:
- It was arranged at least 5-10 years ago. I was supposed to go on an Eternal Coffee date with a colleague of mine from the university which we promised we would to 7 years ago, but something got in the way.
- Something always gets in the way of Eternal Coffee date.
- The hope that the Eternal Coffee date will take place never ends, it only amplifies with age.
- The Eternal Coffee Date will never take place. Or maybe...?
But it’s not just coffee – undefined invitations to go and visit someone at their house is the problem.
3) Come over and visit us one day! (Dođite kod nas jedan dan)
Croats love inviting other people over. Sometimes too much so. Don’t get me wrong; I don’t mind guests. But somehow I prefer being invited to inviting other people.
Here’s the scenario: it’s a Sunday afternoon, the weather forecast for the day was rainy, so we thought about inviting someone over.
There was no rain, the sun is shining, the birds are singing, and instead of spending the day somewhere outside, we’re sitting inside talking about ancient history with our guests.
Time flies, the guests have to get going, and then the most famous sentence is uttered:
Come have coffee at our house one day!
- Ok, when? – I’d ask, but the question would get lost in the process of looking for jackets, saying goodbye and the overall babbling.
I would love to have coffee at their house one day, only if they would tell me which day!
4) You shouldn’t have! (Niste trebali)
If you have a serious invitation to visit someone at their house in Croatia, a new problem arises: What present should you get them?
Piece of cake – a box of chocolates and 20 dg pack of coffee, it’s a well-known fact.
Croats love taking boxes of chocolates and 20 dg packs of coffee everywhere, not just to their hosts’ houses.
We seem to think that gift bags should be given to everyone – the nurse who let us cut in line, the dentist who took care of our toothache right away, because he knows your cousin, the lady at the bank in charge of your loan.
I sometimes feel the urge to give my postman a box of chocolates and a 20 dg pack of coffee when he brings over a letter. Just in case.
You go over to someone’s house, give them the nicely wrapped present, and get a rude awakening in the form of:
You shouldn’t have!
You shouldn’t have! – will be uttered when you hand over the gift bag to your nurse, dentist or mechanic.
Well, you should have. We love receiving gift bags with coffee and a box of chocolate, or at least, we love handing them over to other people, who we then hear saying You shouldn’t have!
5) Terrible! (Katastrofa)
Sometimes I feel that the most frequently uttered word in Croatia is Katastrofa.
You might think that Croats live in a neverending Greek tragedy, where court intrigues, bloodbaths and epic events are a daily occurrence.
Everything in Croatia is – terrible.
You’re walking down the street, and you meet an old acquaintance. After hugging and kissing, you ask the fatal question: How are you?
75% of the time, the answer is – Katastrofa.
Some people will even divide it into syllables, for additional emphasis: Ka – ta – stro – fa!
10-20% of the population will try to soften it by saying: Not too well.
On rare occasions will you hear someone saying: I’m great!
It seems that saying you’re ok is rude in Croatia. How can you be ok if there are so many reasons for you to be – katastrofa. So you fit in.
Let’s take the weather, for example.
Katastrofa. It’s either too hot or too cold. If none of the two is mentioned, then it’s windy. It’s snowing in January or the days are scorching in June? Unfathomable. Ka –ta –stro – fa.
Or money.
It doesn’t get much worse than this – your neighbour will complain. It’s January, we haven’t paid off our summer holidays.
-Ok, and what are you doing this weekend? – you ask, naively.
- We’re going skiing! – the neighbour replies, happily. Ka –ta –stro –fa.
And finally, the alfa and omega of Croatian existence – politics. Katastrofa. Ok, politics in Croatia really is ka –ta – stro – fa.
So... That’s more or less all I've wanted to say. No, wait, there’s something else, but let's keep it just between the two of us, ok?
